Our Journey to Kenya

In 80 days or less, Anna, the kids, and I will be moving to Nairobi, Kenya for a year. I will be working as a Legal Fellow with International Justice Mission, a Christian human rights agency. I can't talk too much about what I'll be doing, but you can see generally what IJM does by going to its website at www.ijm.org. It is a dream job; something I feel I've been training for and working towards for years, and I couldn't be more excited about it. However, the journey to get there has been, and will continue to be, very challenging. It is my intent to resurrect this blog in order to chronicle my and my family's process of getting to Kenya, as I believe it will be cathartic for me, and perhaps helpful for some of you out there that may some day go through a similar process.

May 23, 2009
Today, we are 80 days out from my son Caleb's first day of school as a first-grader in Kenya. That first day of school, August 12, is our goal to be settled in Nairobi. Why is that significant? Well, my year in Kenya with IJM is a volunteer position, which means I ain't getting paid. I knew this going in, obviously, and I am glad to do it, as the mission is an awesome one. But the fact is, we have to raise a significant sum of money in a short amount of time. Specifically, for our family of 5 to move over and live in Nairobi for a year, we have to raise nearly $65,000 (this includes a training week in DC, shots, visas, school for Caleb, living expenses, etc.). 80 days out, and we have raised $5,000 of our $65,000 goal (and I am SO thankful for those that have supported us!!!).
In the last 3 weeks, we have sent out 350 support letters to friends and family casting the vision for what I'll be doing and asking people to support and pray for us. Before we sent the letters out, I was confident: God had called us to this and He would provide. I had no doubt. Moreover, it is a compelling cause, no matter what your worldview or spirituality. So, we sent the letters, and I think I expected that the money would come flooding in. Well, reality has set in.
Every day, I would call Anna from the office to see if any response envelopes arrived in the mail. When none arrive, my heart sinks a little. When we got our first on-line giving update from IJM, and they showed only two donations, my heart sunk even more. I started to realize it takes more than just sending letters. And I was lost. I was in unknown territory. So, Anna and I called over some very wise and loving friends today for lunch. They have counseled many of our friends who are living overseas and have raised much more support than we are attempting to raise. It was a good time together and we gained some good ideas and perspective.
The bottom line for me, however, came after they left and I got online to get ready to write this and I felt prompted to go check out a daily devotional I used to read by an old dude named Oswald Chambers. Today's devotional was about trusting God for our daily needs, from a verse in Matthew 6:25 in the Bible. In other words, when I worry about my daily needs, I am not operating as a person who has faith in God, because God has promised to meet my daily needs. I must admit I have entered into worry and anxiety about this support raising for our daily needs for Africa. How can I profess to be a follower of Jesus and yet doubt him on something as basic as his love for me in providing in my time of need? This is hard, but this is the essence of faith: being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see. I now have a choice: do I take Jesus at his word that he will provide for my daily needs (and that he will provide for the funds for us to go to Africa, provided I take my necessary steps, of course), or do I not, and cease to believe in this fundamental lesson he is givibng me a golden opportunity to learn. I choose the first, as difficult as it may be.

Delay of Game

Geez, two months since my last post. Since January 1, I've helped try a case (we won huge) and been severely humbled (humiliated?) in the process, gotten approved as a future UPS Store franchisee, felt my excitement about that wane with additional information about the success of such stores, prepared to put my car and house on the market, jonesed on a Jeep Wrangler Sahara (you will be mine), found carpenter ants and rotted wood behind our master bathroom shower tiles, been on local TV, had my picture in a statewide legal magazine for the January trial (and almost got fired for it), hurt and disappointed my boss at the law firm, attended an amazing missions conference in Waco, gotten excited about the prospect of opening a coffee shop on the corner of our new church building, and put on weight.

In all this time, I have neglected to write a thing here. I sense a pattern in my life: excitement and vision for new things with concomitant spurts of action in accordance with the vision. Yet, before long, my excitement begins to wane to a trickle. Usually at that point, I've gotten excited about a new, new thing, and moved on.

I can see positives in this tendency: it's biblical (Paul was a starter; he formed churches, passed on the leadership to locals, and then moved on to the next place); it's adventurous (the everyday rut drives me crazy and spurs me to action); it's entrepreneurial (without such tendencies, there would be "nothing new under the sun."). Yet, all of these positives require follow-through on the initial excitement and vision: something I have tended to lack. Lord, build in me the "sticktoitiveness" necessary to make a difference in this world. I do not want my life to be a highway road sign but a fork in the road. You are worth my life, time, and efforts.

New Year's Day 2006

January 1, 2006 -- a new year, a new beginning. I love New Year's Day. I love the thought of starting anew. I love the thought of a clean slate. I love thinking that the failures and faults of the past year are wiped clean and that I have a new opportunity to live as I desire to live, love as I am loved, and fulfill the roles and callings that He has placed on my life (husband, father, son, leader, subordinate, attorney, shepherd, friend, and neighbor). I realize that in reality there is nothing magical about January 1st; life goes on as it always does. Yet, psychologically, it does mean to me a new start, and as any baseball fan will tell you, a new start, a new season, means that the hopeful possibilities are limitless. I love that.

So, what are my hopes and prayers for 2006? I am praying that 2006 is a year of courage, purity, integrity, and determination for me. In listing these things as my prayers for 2006, I am implicitly acknowledging that these have been areas of shortcomings and outright failure in the past. Yet, I can no longer worry about the past, but only look to the future and set my course. So, my eyes are fixed on courage, to do the right thing, even when it hurts, and to enter into new and uncertain situations with the confidence that God is with me. Purity, in thought, action, and word; to live as if there are no secrets. Integrity, to mean what I say and say what I mean, and to give my utmost for His highest in everything I do. Determination, to see to the finish anything I undertake, whether it be in ministry, law, business, or even reading books. I want to be a good finisher.

Finally, I want more intimacy with Jesus, my wife, my kids, my family, and my friends this year. Intimate relationships are where true life is found. To that end, I desire to risk it more in relationships, to be more transparent, and to be more intentional about spending time with those closest to me. What else is there?

So what about you? What is your desire for 2006?

Bono

In this week's issue of Time Magazine, Bono and Bill & Melinda Gates are named the Persons of the Year for their efforts in tangibly helping the poor of the world. In the article about Bono, there is the following quote:

"Born to a Protestant mother and a Catholic father, Bono describes his faith as 'promiscuous.' He quotes Scripture and counts meetings with Pope John Paul II and Billy Graham among the most significant of his life. 'I try to live it rather than talk about it because there are enough secondhand-car salesmen for God,' he says. 'But I cannot escape my conviction that God is interested in the progress of mankind, individually and collectively.'"

That is very well said. I need to learn more about this man. Even though I continue to read conflicting stories about his faith, whatever you think about Bono, he is making a difference and he appears to be driven by his faith in Jesus.

War

Once more, a profound message from Oswald Chambers:

"To him who overcomes . . . " Revelation 2:7

Life without war is impossible in the natural or the supernatural realm. It is a fact that there is a continual struggle in the physical, mental, moral, and spiritual areas of life.

Health is the balance between the physical parts of my body and all the things and forces surrounding me. To maintain good health I must have sufficient internal strength to fight off the things that are external. Everything outside my physical life is designed to cause my death. The very elements that sustain me while I am alive work to decay and disintegrate my body once it is dead. If I have enough inner strength to fight, I help to produce the balance needed for health. The same is true of the mental life. If I want to maintain a strong and active mental life, I have to fight. This struggle produces the mental balance called thought.

Morally it is the same. Anything that does not strengthen me morally is the enemy of virtue within me. Whether I overcome, thereby producing virtue, depends on the level of moral excellence in my life. But we must fight to be moral. Morality does not happen by accident; moral virtue is acquired.

And spritually it is also the same. Jesus said, "In the world you will have tribulation . . ." (John 16:33). This means that anything that is not spiritual leads to my downfall. Jesus went on to say, ". . . but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." I must learn to fight against and overcome the things that come against me, and in that way produce the balance of holiness. Then it becomes a delight to meet opposition.

Holiness is the balance between my nature and the law of God as expressed in Jesus Christ.

It's the New Style

The following are some things I've written since I became a believer. Stark difference from those below written beforehand.

1.
Constructed from ashes;
Rebuilt by grace.
Yet the remnants of the former
Continually assert their place.

He gave me rebirth,
He opened my eyes.
Yet oft loosed is the old man
Which diverts from His prize.

But, lo! He still loves me.
And, lo! He forgives.
In the midst of my transgressions
I scream, "Christ lives!"

2. Time
30 years hence will be 3 score behind. Decades of memories rush in and out, yet one vision remains: a lone figure amidst the crowd. Will it always be? A long-ago dream of generations of little ones seems now so distant, so mythical. The desire remains, but the vision fades. 30 years hence will be 3 score behind.

I wrote this one in slam poetry fashion, just after I had turned 30 and had no prospects for a wife. My dreams of a family seemed to be passing me by. Thank God Anna was not far off!

3. Father
FATHER,
Show me the way to righteousness,
for all I see is me.
I run, fall, and I limp and crawl,
when all I need is thee.

I’ve gone so long on my own pow’r,
acting the part so well;
Th’moment’s clear, yes the time is here,
to say to th’world, “Farewell.”

“To be with me, deny yourself,”
You say as King of Kings.
“Live no more with yourself as lord
and loving worldy things.”

As I release the things I’ve loved,
I pick them up again.
Greed within yet draws me to sin,
and for the world I yen.

Yet when I think to where I’ve been,
I see that You’re the Way.
Counting loss, I lay down my dross,
and deny me as You say.

“Take up thy cross and follow me,”
you whisper to Your child.
How much more can You God implore?
I’ll surely be reviled.

“This thing I ask is for your good;
I know what’s best for thee.”
I will try since I’ve seen the lie
of craving all I see.

Yet as I think about its weight,
I fall to trembled knee.
Fighting dread, I lift up my head
and bend to lift my tree.

The weight is great, the cost is much,
“LORD, help me lift,” I plead.
With Your hand, You help me to stand,
and raise me tenderly.

“My yoke’s easy, my burden light,”
You say with truth and pow’r.
As I walk with my cross held tall,
it lightens ev’ry hour.

JESUS,

You gave me life, you gave me hope,
‘twas blind but now I see:
The path now clear, the Way is here,
the road to Calvary.

The joy supreme, the hope unreal
of knowing You this way.
You’ve made my life so bless’d and rife,
I praise You ev’ry day.

The hurts still come, the falls as well,
but past them now I see.
Your peace transcends my hopes and yens,
I follow You with glee.

You gave Your self so I might live;
You offered up Your soul.
One life You gave, a world You saved,
to You I owe my all.

Now as I walk through this dark world,
I need for You to lead:
Teach unto me Your righteousness,
until there is no me.

This may be my favorite thing I've written. It sums up my struggles in living out my faith, but catches as well the joy and promise in it.

Shallow & Profound

It's been a while since my last post, and I still do promise to lay down some of my newer poetry, but it's been a while since I've been at home with time to type them in. In the meantime, I wanted to share a devotional from a week or so ago that impacted me. Once again, it's from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. It reads:

"Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Beware of allowing yourself to think that the shallow aspects of life are not ordained by God; they are ordained by Him equally as much as the profound. We sometimes refuse to be shallow, not out of our deep devotion to God but because we wish to impress other people with the fact that we are not shallow. This is a sure sign of spiritual pride. We must be careful, for this is how contempt for others is produced in our lives. And it causes us to be a walking rebuke to other people because they are more shallow than we are. Beware of posing as a profound person -- God became a baby.

Ouch.

The Old Man

Reciting Keats yesterday made me dig into my old writings. I'll lay down a few of my old ones, written well before I started following Jesus. Tomorrow, I'll post some of my newer ones. Stark difference.

1.
Constructing the machine
to destroy the person.
Utility is served
yet the situations worsen.

Feeding the frenzy
to feed the swarms.
This entity of destruction
in its many forms.

Absorbing the tools
to obscure the facts,
the mind gets clouded
and actions lax.

Success is achieved
at the cost of innocence.
But the moment, not rued,
for the loss of sentiments.

I wrote this one while taking a training course to become a stockbroker, fresh out of UT. Needless to say, I was struggling with the implications of the career path I was on.

2. Waiting
Boredom drips from my brow like a badge of failure. My eyes unimpressed with everything they see. My ears despise everything they hear. My fingers are like nicotine-stained nuisances. This body is a mass of rotting flesh. Where does life go from a path of self-destructiveness?

3.
There is a hate brewing inside. More and more are added to the list. Encompassing all I see. Why is there this hatred? Why must they infuriate? Their petty little notions and trite little glances and obnoxious little words and tiny little minds and shallow little souls . . . God I HATE them! I look around and see all that I hate, thinking of why. But then I look in the mirror and see the root.

4.
My life has been flat,
Hurdles not to be found.
And yet I feel lost
And wander around.

The thought comes to mind
Of why my sadness grows:
Adversity is needed,
Like friends and foes.

My youth is a blur
Of worried nothingness.
I wandered through life
Blind and thoughtless.

Now that I see,
Joy and pain are one.
But they are feelings,
And finally I have some.

5. Denouement
It was after the fall. My heart thumped against the floor. Eyes found it and fled. Voices resembling screams leapt into the bystanders' ears. Burst! Pain. Fear. Shame. Where now? What to do? Fetal images raced across my mind and initiated movement. Impulsive actions had taken control. Whimpering, fear, terror all had settled in. This was it. The final act. Nowhere to go from here. The facade had played its last part, revealing to all its terrible innards. Oh God, why me? Strength that had once been firm now fled like youth. Each second ticked away more armor until all that remained was mortal flesh and feelings. A pitiful mass. Melting into one large pool of failure, I gave in and submissed. There was no chance for recovery now, so why exert what was left to fight the inevitable fate. As I regressed, all walls crumbled and fears fled. For the first time I felt free, but at the cost of my sanity.

This is one of the more personal things I've ever written. The image I had in my mind was the moment when I would be found out; when all my insides would be exposed for all to see. And how terrible and shameful that would be. I didn't think I would be able to deal with that moment. Hence, the end of the poem.

These were written between August 1990 and June 1992, some of my darkest days. While typing them, I had strong impulses to delete everything I just typed, as these were painful, desperate, hopeless times. But, it is good for me to remember now, fifteen years later, how much my life has changed. I have such sorrow for that young man, and I never want to forget how lonely and lost I was back then, so that I can never forget where Jesus found me and how he has worked in and through me.