It's the New Style

The following are some things I've written since I became a believer. Stark difference from those below written beforehand.

1.
Constructed from ashes;
Rebuilt by grace.
Yet the remnants of the former
Continually assert their place.

He gave me rebirth,
He opened my eyes.
Yet oft loosed is the old man
Which diverts from His prize.

But, lo! He still loves me.
And, lo! He forgives.
In the midst of my transgressions
I scream, "Christ lives!"

2. Time
30 years hence will be 3 score behind. Decades of memories rush in and out, yet one vision remains: a lone figure amidst the crowd. Will it always be? A long-ago dream of generations of little ones seems now so distant, so mythical. The desire remains, but the vision fades. 30 years hence will be 3 score behind.

I wrote this one in slam poetry fashion, just after I had turned 30 and had no prospects for a wife. My dreams of a family seemed to be passing me by. Thank God Anna was not far off!

3. Father
FATHER,
Show me the way to righteousness,
for all I see is me.
I run, fall, and I limp and crawl,
when all I need is thee.

I’ve gone so long on my own pow’r,
acting the part so well;
Th’moment’s clear, yes the time is here,
to say to th’world, “Farewell.”

“To be with me, deny yourself,”
You say as King of Kings.
“Live no more with yourself as lord
and loving worldy things.”

As I release the things I’ve loved,
I pick them up again.
Greed within yet draws me to sin,
and for the world I yen.

Yet when I think to where I’ve been,
I see that You’re the Way.
Counting loss, I lay down my dross,
and deny me as You say.

“Take up thy cross and follow me,”
you whisper to Your child.
How much more can You God implore?
I’ll surely be reviled.

“This thing I ask is for your good;
I know what’s best for thee.”
I will try since I’ve seen the lie
of craving all I see.

Yet as I think about its weight,
I fall to trembled knee.
Fighting dread, I lift up my head
and bend to lift my tree.

The weight is great, the cost is much,
“LORD, help me lift,” I plead.
With Your hand, You help me to stand,
and raise me tenderly.

“My yoke’s easy, my burden light,”
You say with truth and pow’r.
As I walk with my cross held tall,
it lightens ev’ry hour.

JESUS,

You gave me life, you gave me hope,
‘twas blind but now I see:
The path now clear, the Way is here,
the road to Calvary.

The joy supreme, the hope unreal
of knowing You this way.
You’ve made my life so bless’d and rife,
I praise You ev’ry day.

The hurts still come, the falls as well,
but past them now I see.
Your peace transcends my hopes and yens,
I follow You with glee.

You gave Your self so I might live;
You offered up Your soul.
One life You gave, a world You saved,
to You I owe my all.

Now as I walk through this dark world,
I need for You to lead:
Teach unto me Your righteousness,
until there is no me.

This may be my favorite thing I've written. It sums up my struggles in living out my faith, but catches as well the joy and promise in it.

Shallow & Profound

It's been a while since my last post, and I still do promise to lay down some of my newer poetry, but it's been a while since I've been at home with time to type them in. In the meantime, I wanted to share a devotional from a week or so ago that impacted me. Once again, it's from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. It reads:

"Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Beware of allowing yourself to think that the shallow aspects of life are not ordained by God; they are ordained by Him equally as much as the profound. We sometimes refuse to be shallow, not out of our deep devotion to God but because we wish to impress other people with the fact that we are not shallow. This is a sure sign of spiritual pride. We must be careful, for this is how contempt for others is produced in our lives. And it causes us to be a walking rebuke to other people because they are more shallow than we are. Beware of posing as a profound person -- God became a baby.

Ouch.

The Old Man

Reciting Keats yesterday made me dig into my old writings. I'll lay down a few of my old ones, written well before I started following Jesus. Tomorrow, I'll post some of my newer ones. Stark difference.

1.
Constructing the machine
to destroy the person.
Utility is served
yet the situations worsen.

Feeding the frenzy
to feed the swarms.
This entity of destruction
in its many forms.

Absorbing the tools
to obscure the facts,
the mind gets clouded
and actions lax.

Success is achieved
at the cost of innocence.
But the moment, not rued,
for the loss of sentiments.

I wrote this one while taking a training course to become a stockbroker, fresh out of UT. Needless to say, I was struggling with the implications of the career path I was on.

2. Waiting
Boredom drips from my brow like a badge of failure. My eyes unimpressed with everything they see. My ears despise everything they hear. My fingers are like nicotine-stained nuisances. This body is a mass of rotting flesh. Where does life go from a path of self-destructiveness?

3.
There is a hate brewing inside. More and more are added to the list. Encompassing all I see. Why is there this hatred? Why must they infuriate? Their petty little notions and trite little glances and obnoxious little words and tiny little minds and shallow little souls . . . God I HATE them! I look around and see all that I hate, thinking of why. But then I look in the mirror and see the root.

4.
My life has been flat,
Hurdles not to be found.
And yet I feel lost
And wander around.

The thought comes to mind
Of why my sadness grows:
Adversity is needed,
Like friends and foes.

My youth is a blur
Of worried nothingness.
I wandered through life
Blind and thoughtless.

Now that I see,
Joy and pain are one.
But they are feelings,
And finally I have some.

5. Denouement
It was after the fall. My heart thumped against the floor. Eyes found it and fled. Voices resembling screams leapt into the bystanders' ears. Burst! Pain. Fear. Shame. Where now? What to do? Fetal images raced across my mind and initiated movement. Impulsive actions had taken control. Whimpering, fear, terror all had settled in. This was it. The final act. Nowhere to go from here. The facade had played its last part, revealing to all its terrible innards. Oh God, why me? Strength that had once been firm now fled like youth. Each second ticked away more armor until all that remained was mortal flesh and feelings. A pitiful mass. Melting into one large pool of failure, I gave in and submissed. There was no chance for recovery now, so why exert what was left to fight the inevitable fate. As I regressed, all walls crumbled and fears fled. For the first time I felt free, but at the cost of my sanity.

This is one of the more personal things I've ever written. The image I had in my mind was the moment when I would be found out; when all my insides would be exposed for all to see. And how terrible and shameful that would be. I didn't think I would be able to deal with that moment. Hence, the end of the poem.

These were written between August 1990 and June 1992, some of my darkest days. While typing them, I had strong impulses to delete everything I just typed, as these were painful, desperate, hopeless times. But, it is good for me to remember now, fifteen years later, how much my life has changed. I have such sorrow for that young man, and I never want to forget how lonely and lost I was back then, so that I can never forget where Jesus found me and how he has worked in and through me.

A Pilgrim's Path

Things Remembered

For some reason, two poems I memorized nearly a decade back came to mind a few days ago, and (once again) for some reason I can still recite them.

Fill for me a brimming bowl,
and let me in it drown my soul.
But put therein, some drug designed
to banish women from my mind.
For I want not the stream inspiring,
that fills the mind with fond desiring,
but I want as deep a drought
as e'er from Lethe's wake was quaffed.
From my despairing heart to charm,
the image of the fairest form
that every my reveling eyes beheld,
that ever my wandering fancy spelled.
In vain, away, I cannot chase,
the melting softness of that face.
The beaminess of those bright eyes;
that breast, earth's only paradise.
Had she but known how beat my heart,
and with one smile reliev'd its smart,
I should have felt a sweet relief;
I should have felt the joy of grief.
Yet as the Tuscan 'mid the snow
of Lapland thinks on sweet Arno,
even so forever shall she be,
the halo of my memory.

The other one is much more brief:

Give me women, wine, and snuff
Until I cry out, "Hold, Enough!"
You may do so sans objection,
'Til the day of resurrection.
For bless my beard, they aye shall be,
my beloved trinity.

Hmmmm . . . is there a common theme in these two Keats pieces? The things that occupy single men's minds are no mystery.

SIMPLICITY

I am reading again a book called "Joshua," by Joseph Girzone. Powerful book. It's about what it would be like if Jesus came back and lived among us today. One of the most remarkable things about Joshua is how simply he lives. He works just enough at woodworking to make enough money to eat, pay the rent, and buy more wood. He dresses simply. He is always available for unannounced visitors. His perspective on life, faith, and politics is simple and clear, yet revolutionary to our ears. His life and words are so attractive.

Reading this book now, some 5 or 6 years after I first read it, is giving me a clearer visual image of who Jesus is, and even how he sees me. He is so compassionate, joyful, patient, loving, and at ease, yet he is also passionate, purposeful, disciplined, determined to do what he must, and committed to doing and saying the right thing, no matter the cost. Who would not want to follow someone like this?

I was thinking this morning that I wish I could go back and reorder much of my life. Life defaults into busyness, clutter, and thoughtlessness. I long to go back and re-think some of my past decisions. I have no regrets whatsoever about my family decisions -- I married way over my head and my two little ones are supreme joys. Yet, I do despise the lack of simplicity in my life. Should we have bought the house five years ago? It is a joyful place of hospitality and warmth, but it that worth the mortgage? I guess rent would cost about as much, though, so it may not have been unwise. Do we really need two cars, cable TV, two cell phones and a home phone? Do we really need every family on our street to have their own lawnmower, edger, ladder, weedeater, leaf blower, and spreader? Man, we are a consumer society, rapidly becoming a consumer race.

The net effect of all this is that we max out all of our time, money, and attention focusing on what we have. We have no time left for quiet, solitude, relationship beyond the four walls of the house (or even church), planning for the future, praying for others, walking with Jesus. With simplicity comes focus, peace, rejuvenation, richness, joy, rest, and intimacy. Without simplicity, we truly have none of this. Lord, teach me to simplify this life.

Was thinking this morning about leaving a legacy. We all leave a legacy, whether good or bad, for our children, friends etc. What do I want my legacy to be? I thought about this not because I want to impress people or to be well liked, but because I want to live life in such a way that when I am gone people close to me can think of tangible ways in which they were impacted by how I lived my life. That is significance. That is how I am called to live as a follower of Jesus.

So what do I want my legacy to be? One of passion, integrity, and laughter. Passion is life. Passion is attractive. Passion is contagious. I want to be passionate about my family, about Jesus, about living life to the fullest. I want my children and grandchildren to be permanently infected with my passions. That's not to say that I want them to be passionate about the same things I am, but that their lives would be marked by passion for things that fit with how they are made. That would make me smile.

Integrity. Character. Such strong words with such broad implications. I picture a grand, stately oak tree; John Wayne; Jesus, with his face "set like flint" towards Jerusalem, his place of death (and new life). I long for this in me. I long to be one who does what he says, who means what he says and says what he means. I want to be trustworthy, committed, determined, obedient even when it hurts. I want to model this for my children, so that they can avoid some of the pitfalls I have fallen into. I want there to be no gap between how I speak and how I live. Children are highly perceptive, and can see inconsistencies in parents. I need to live out my faith with sincerity and integrity, so that they can learn to love following Jesus for who He really is.

Laughter. Life should be marked with laughter and fun. Too much heaviness and introspection strips the joy from life. I want to laugh, play, and act stupid with my kids, so that they can see that it is OK to be silly.

Anyway, that's what I want my legacy to be. How about you?

Last Words

"Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now. On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun. If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE. Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time. If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well. Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed. If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own. If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift."

-- Excerpt from the last sermon of Kyle Lake, pastor of University Baptist Church in Waco, Texas, who was electrocuted and died while preparing to baptize a woman. 800 people witnessed his death, including his wife and 3 children under 5.

Embarkation

The journey begins. While I hesitate to believe fully that my life and words are blog-worthy, I have read many blogs that said absolutely nothing. Thus, in my mind, the bar is set very low. I'll give it a go.

What prompted this initial writing was a word I received recently in a time of need. I recently went from a full-time, well-paid, salaried lawyer job to a part-time, well-paid lawyer job and a part-time, not-nearly-so-well-paid job at a church. Last week, the well-paid lawyer job effectively went away, leaving me to wonder what the next step is, what to do with the balance of my work week to support my family. In similar circumstances in the past, I have consulted reason, common-sense, and my gung-ho ambitious spirit to find new opportunties, and it has always worked out fine. Yet, this time around, I decided I needed to consult a Greater Wisdom than my own on how to order my life. Ergo, I decided to fast and pray for 3-5 days to see how God might guide me in this decision.

I was hoping and expecting clear wisdom on particular professions or fields I should pursue (a different type of law, start a business, buy a franchise, woodworking, etc.). After nearly two days of no clear answer (and no food!), I decided to take a walk last night and pray. Ten minutes into my walk, I received my answer. He said:

I am not so much interested in what you do,

so long as you do it well.

How simple. How profound. And how utterly in line with His Word. See Colossians 3:23 ("Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."). There is immense freedom in this answer. Freedom to choose a profession or business that fits, that excites my passions, and employs my gifts and abilities. Yet, at the same time, there is immense responsibility. Responsibility to work with integrity, commitment, focus, and energy. Thank you, my Father. You are faithful and good.

So, at this point, I feel free to pursue a particular franchise opportunity here. No details yet, but I will relate more as things progress. In the meantime, let's keep our eyes peeled on our Guide.

"Discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. Walking on water is easy to someone with impulsive boldness, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is something altogether different. Peter walked on the water to go to Jesus, but he 'followed Him at a distance' on dry land (Mark 14:54). We do not need the grace of God to withstand crises--human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God--but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people--and this is not learned in five minutes."

--Oswald Chambers

"Love to be unknown" -- Thomas a Kempis

This is a hard road. Yet, there is promise of joy beyond description, and not just beyond this life.